Between the Chaos and the Couch

My birthday and Valentine’s Day are always clumped together because they’re so close. Some people might think that’s a bad thing, but I actually love it. Since it’s two things to celebrate at once, my husband and I feel totally justified in making a bigger deal out of it, which usually means booking a weekend away. We’ve been doing this for years, and in the beginning we definitely got some sideways glances from people who think you shouldn’t leave your kids behind.

Let me just say this: one of the reasons we’ve been married for 17 years and are still genuinely happy is because we take time away for ourselves.

This past weekend we went to a place with indoor waterparks, and everywhere we looked there were kids. But there was no guilt, because we were focusing on us. We sat in the room and binge‑watched TV, went out for nice meals, wandered around the craft mall, enjoyed the swim‑up bar, and even hit a few waterslides. And the whole time, we connected in a way you simply can’t when you’re home.

Home comes with a never‑ending list of “shoulds.” And when the kids are looking at you, needing something, it’s harder to be present with your partner. Sure, you can go out to dinner, but that’s just a moment, and by the time you relax enough to actually connect, it’s time to head back.

I’m a firm believer in extended time away that’s focused on communicating, having fun, and just relaxing. In those quiet moments, we come up with new plans for how to handle life. We learn new things about each other. And honestly, we get to be selfish, a word most parents barely recognize. We choose to be selfish several times a year because the truth is, after a weekend of building our relationship, we come home refreshed and ready to take on everything: choir concerts, archery, freshman orientation (how is my oldest going to high school next year), and of course the cooking, cleaning, and full‑time jobs.

Now for the most important part of planning a getaway: don’t expect your partner to magically make it special for you. First, sit down with yourself and decide what you need and want to enjoy the time. If I left it up to my husband to plan what he thinks is fun, I’d end up resenting him and that defeats the whole purpose.

You both need to decide what your idea of fun is and make plans that meet both of your needs. So many people complain that their partner doesn’t plan the perfect date or vacation. But here’s the truth: stop expecting them to do something you already know how to do. It’s not about who plans it  it’s about the time together and whether it’s enjoyable.

For example, I asked my husband to drop me at the hotel door. He said yes immediately. If I had just silently wished he would do that, he never would have known, and I would’ve missed out on feeling cared for in that small but meaningful way. We get so caught up in “they should know” that we forget communicating our needs is what actually gives our partner the chance to show up for us.

So as you think about your next couple’s getaway, consider what you need, what you want, and what you can communicate to make the most of the time you have together.